Good morning CD1

Well today marks CD1 on lucky cycle #22. This has GOT to be the start of something grand right! CD1, new year, new medication. Its time to let go of 2012 and bring on 2013.

This cycle I will start with the norm CD3 blood work and ultrasound (update to come) crossing everything I have for no cysts and nothing but good results.

The other day I received my box full of medication for this cycle. I'm not going to lie... it was a bit intimidating..

I got 2 Gonal-F pens and a bunch of needle tips

A MUCH larger sharps container.. guess they are bringing out the big guns now..

AND a few boxes of these lovely Progesterone Suppositories. For after the IUI during the 2WW they are telling me.

Now that CD1 has arrived I am 100% ready to get this show on the road. A bit nervous about the injections, thank goodness for Brandon he has some background with this type of pen and I really think secretly he likes injecting me HA <OK OK maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration. But I do feel much more in control, like what happened last cycle will not happen again. My RE feels confident also that with the Gonal-F she will be able to increase or decrease my medication depending on how my body is responding. I feel so confident that this will be it. With the IUI our chances will be increased and I am hoping and praying my ovaries will give me 2 beautiful eggs for those sperm's to work with!

So lets go ovaries its time to women up and lets get this show on the road!

Can't stop thinking...

about those four mature follicles that I let go this cycle.

I am having a rough time with this whole process and keep thinking that I just threw away 4 chances at becoming a mother. :/ Part of me understands the risks I was faced with 100% I mean in the end I want to be healthy and safe and my husband wants me around for a long long time. But the other part just can't help but be so scared that I just flushed these follies out and will never get them back.

I hope AF comes soon.. then I can put this whole mess behind me. Behind us.. Good news is my RE finally recieved the consult paperwork they needed to get this IUI cycle #22 approved with my insurance once this is done I can get my meds ordered.. Once I have the Gonal-F in hand and know what I am going to be up aganst with injects daily for 7-10 days I might be less freaked out!

On a lighter note, I really do love the christmas season and cannot wait to spend the holiday with my friends and family. My house is decorated and I am working on wrapping now!

12/12/12 The not so very good day..

So I went into my monitoring appointment this morning bright and early! They were having some computer glitches so I had to wait a moment... thank goodness they know me there so I was able to go in within a few moments! So the tech gets the wand in and working and we go to the left side first. WOOZERS I have two mature follicles a 18 and a 19.... over to the left side.. WOOOH another two mature follicles 20 and 21 we were both really excited and I left with a little skip in my step and good thoughts in my head and off to work I went! I even imagined my positive pregnancy test Christmas morning and being able to share that with my hubby. It just flashed before my eyes during my walk to the car.

Around 1pm I got the standard incoming call from my RE's office (the nurse will call me with my formal results and instructions). I grabbed my phone answered as I am running out of my office so I can talk privately except when I answered it was my RE not the nurse... she says "Hi Alicia, its Karla I am calling to talk about your monitoring and bloodwork results" seriously... I felt like my body just shut down I mean apparently its bad news. She has never called me its always the nurse. 

Well it was.. She was calling me personally to cancel my cycle because my estrogen level was 1009 and I had four mature follies from my monitoring appointment. She went on to talk about the larger risk of multiples and taking this chance on 4 and even possibly 8 babies resulting in this cycle would be harmful to both me during pregnancy and any babies that might come of it. Not to mention a much larger risk of gestational diabetes and low birth weight which I was already at risk for..  I was CRUSHED I feel like someone just punched me in the gut and is just laughing from afar.. I mean am I doing something wrong here.. why does god keep punishing me. I just don't understand.

So here I am.. obtaining from all sex while I have FOUR pretty little eggs chilling out in my ovaries just waiting to mate with some spermies. I feel like I am just flushing them down the drain.. Women are born with the amount of eggs they will have their whole life. We do not develop anymore as we grow what I have is what I have and that;s that. It really upsets me to no end. I feel like I am wasting them. I just need to lay down, read a crappy romance novel and cry a little. Hoping and praying tomorrow will be better... 

On a different note. We discussed what was going to happen moving forward and it looks like we will be moving onto Gonal-F daily injections. 7+ nights of injecting myself with hormones to hopefully get myself KTFU. Needles give me wicked anxiety and I am not sure how I am going to do this. Just going to have to put on my big girl panties and get it done right???? 

Gonal-F RFF Pen.. (Injections)

More to come on this when its available. 

Well now we wait.. for AF to come so I can just move on from this crappy NOT Lucky #21 cycle and this day................................ 

I hate you cancer!

I just want to take a moment and say

Seriously.. this past week I have almost felt like my infertility is almost irrevelent and a little bump compaired to somethings other people my age sometimes have to go through.

My sister in law was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She is only 28.. the same age as me. I have never felt so upset, angry, sad, more angry in my life. She is such a wonderful women who has her whole life to live. Recently married, has a wonderful career and an all around great lady! I know in my heart and in my head that she is young and strong and she will beat this shit and come out industructable but the fact that she has to go through this makes me really pissed off. She is a wonderful hairdresser and is just amazingly talented... chemo will make her hair fall out. I just cannot even imagine the road she has just turned down. I just don't understand.. why her? Why not some drug addict who doesnt deserve happiness.. why is it ALWAYS the good people???

So I am going to pray with everything I have that she will get through this process as smoothly as humanly possible. Because she WILL beat this. I know it. She is strong and has an army of love and support behind her.

Love you Tiff.. you girls (Alyssa, Melissa, and you) you gals were one of the most wonderful things I got when I married Brandon. Sisters!!! It is an unbreakable bond and I would do anything for any of you. You will win this I am sure of it!

Lucky #21

Maybe? Maybe I will be able to say well all it took was 21 cycles for me to get KTFU.. Hopefully!

Here we are at CD11 I have already taken 5, 50mg Clomid pills and my mid cycle monitoring is first thing tomorrow morning! Lets hope and pray for some good looking follies.

I will make sure to update after my date with the vagcam tomorrow am! :)

Wish me luck!