12/12/12 The not so very good day..

So I went into my monitoring appointment this morning bright and early! They were having some computer glitches so I had to wait a moment... thank goodness they know me there so I was able to go in within a few moments! So the tech gets the wand in and working and we go to the left side first. WOOZERS I have two mature follicles a 18 and a 19.... over to the left side.. WOOOH another two mature follicles 20 and 21 we were both really excited and I left with a little skip in my step and good thoughts in my head and off to work I went! I even imagined my positive pregnancy test Christmas morning and being able to share that with my hubby. It just flashed before my eyes during my walk to the car.

Around 1pm I got the standard incoming call from my RE's office (the nurse will call me with my formal results and instructions). I grabbed my phone answered as I am running out of my office so I can talk privately except when I answered it was my RE not the nurse... she says "Hi Alicia, its Karla I am calling to talk about your monitoring and bloodwork results" seriously... I felt like my body just shut down I mean apparently its bad news. She has never called me its always the nurse. 

Well it was.. She was calling me personally to cancel my cycle because my estrogen level was 1009 and I had four mature follies from my monitoring appointment. She went on to talk about the larger risk of multiples and taking this chance on 4 and even possibly 8 babies resulting in this cycle would be harmful to both me during pregnancy and any babies that might come of it. Not to mention a much larger risk of gestational diabetes and low birth weight which I was already at risk for..  I was CRUSHED I feel like someone just punched me in the gut and is just laughing from afar.. I mean am I doing something wrong here.. why does god keep punishing me. I just don't understand.

So here I am.. obtaining from all sex while I have FOUR pretty little eggs chilling out in my ovaries just waiting to mate with some spermies. I feel like I am just flushing them down the drain.. Women are born with the amount of eggs they will have their whole life. We do not develop anymore as we grow what I have is what I have and that;s that. It really upsets me to no end. I feel like I am wasting them. I just need to lay down, read a crappy romance novel and cry a little. Hoping and praying tomorrow will be better... 

On a different note. We discussed what was going to happen moving forward and it looks like we will be moving onto Gonal-F daily injections. 7+ nights of injecting myself with hormones to hopefully get myself KTFU. Needles give me wicked anxiety and I am not sure how I am going to do this. Just going to have to put on my big girl panties and get it done right???? 

Gonal-F RFF Pen.. (Injections)

More to come on this when its available. 

Well now we wait.. for AF to come so I can just move on from this crappy NOT Lucky #21 cycle and this day................................