5am wake up smack down :/

So yesterday morning I woke up... said to myself OMG POAS just do it.. you know you want to so I busted my trusty cheapie HPT

And my go to dixie cup! (This is not my dixie but seriously how flipping cool is this I have to find these)

I even went as far as to pee in the cup, tear open my test then TMI wiped and saw I started spotting... seriously are you KIDDING ME its like the pee gods KNEW I was peeing so I could dip a stick and wanted me to fail. The pee gods are NOT on my side here.... ugh I didn't even dip I just started crying. Wasn't pretty at all... exp at 5am.

So yesterday and today I have been spotting on and off. Beta is supposed to be tomorrow am called Lisa (my nurse) and asked what I should do.. she says if AF doesn't show full flow then still go (I guess there's a lot of people who spot and are pregnant).. so even though I know in my mind that I am out I still have to wake up wicked early to hit the lab before I go to work tomorrow. Just want to say IF you SUCK seriously why does this happen to me! I should have just left the HPT's alone! Grrrr 

Wish me luck for my BFFN call tomorrow from the nurse. On a lighter note, we did get the OK from my RE to do another Clomid(OH YAY) + Trigger + TI cycle for this one coming up while we wait for me to get my consults done so thank goodness we are not just throwing away a cycle! Just wish we were moving forward to IUI like I had thought. But you have to take what you have and go with it right! We can do this!!! 

I will not POAS.. I will NOT POAS

I WILL NOT POAS

Stupid Insurance Co RANT

OK so before I start this I just want you all to know that we are not totally out this cycle yet. Beta is scheduled for Friday and I am hoping and praying and hoping some more that this is finally it and I will finally get my BFP

The above being said I was really shot down when I got the call from the nurse this am about next cycle and my authorization from my insurance co. Ugh.. so as if this whole process couldn't get more difficult NOW in order for me to move forward next cycle if needed to Clomid + Trigger + IUI  I have to go get a consult for a Material-Fetal Medicine (MFM) and a Nutritional specialist due to my BMI seriously! As if this process is not emotional enough NOW your calling me out as a fat chick. You SUCK Fallon and to top it all off without this they will not pay for my IUI next cycle so I will have to wait for the one following... now for anyone who has been through this you know just how precious each cycle is. This is like a slap ugh!

So I had my stupid pity part today then I got on it like donkey kong.. Was able to schedule the MFM for the 4th next week but the stupid Nutritional office had the 14th of DECEMBER for the first apt.. sigh I have a few calls in to see if I can pull some strings. Hoping I can get this done and over with asap so I don't miss more than 1 cycle  :(

For now... just really hoping and praying my BFFP is coming and I will finally see it on 11/30/12 HOPING!

Words of Wisdom

I saw this posted on facebook last night and I couldn't help but repost there and here. I just feel like after the last 20 cycles of all this infertility testing/treatment/heartache/tears/anger/sadness/etc I have to keep repeating this to myself..

I know I am a strong person, if I wasn't I wouldn't be here today going through all this but some days are much worse than others.

CD13 - Monitoring & Next Steps

Well here we are, the moment of the hour. Yesterday AM I had my monitoring appointment to check out how my meds were working and how many follicles I had growing. They do this with another Transvaginal ultrasound.
My tech is awesome... It is a breath of fresh air when I hear her say GOOD MORNING Alicia at my crack ass of dawn 6:45am apointment! The verdict was a little one 14mm on the left, and a big overcooked one on the right at 28mm. They actually look pretty neat on the screen. Kinda like this (not mine)

I was actually kind of discouraged this month because in normal cases a mature follicle measures 18-24mm and the ones I had were either too small or too large. However my E2 level was good and we still had 1 more day till ovulation for the smaller one to grow a little bit (they grow 1-2mm a day) so off I went on my journey. Next step my trigger injection.. <SCARY ugh I hate needles.. thank god for my husband who has injected me these past 3 cycles. The Ovidrel Injection is a trigger that releases the eggs I am growing in my follies.. looks like this

For someone who is scared crapless of any needles this can be pretty scary.. but you just get the job done. I ice the area, clean it , women up, and then turn away while my husband injects... shuddder thank goodness its over for this month.

Next up... um well guess you can figure that part out!!

 

Betta scheduled for 11/30/2012 - Praying and hoping with all of my might.

Till next time

Clomid... the HAPPY drug.

Just a little info on Clomid and what it does as I am starting my 5 day reg today.

Clomid/Clomiphene (kloe' mi feen)
Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant (infertility). Clomiphene is in a class of medications called ovulatory stimulants. It works similarly to estrogen, a female hormone that causes eggs to develop in the ovaries and be released.

More Follicle development = More eggs = better chance of conceiving

The risk of multiples is higher with Clomid, and while most of that risk is for twins (7-9%), the risks of triplets (1 in 200 pregnancies), quads (1 in 300), and quintuplets (1 in 800) are also increased.

Rarely, people will have more serious side effects but the most common is hot flashes and night sweats. Other common complaints are bloating, mood swings and headaches. Some people find the side effects are easier to tolerate if they take Clomid at night. Some people don’t notice any side effects from the Clomid.

I just want to state for the record that taking this medication at night did nothing for the nasty side affects I have on this medication. This is my third cycle taking this medication and I have to be honest with you here it has NOT made me a better person. In fact it has made me, angry, unhappy, sad, miserable, tired, and that is just the fun part! Sigh.. my poor husband he is so patient with me and my crazy up/down emotions

The things you do for a baby.. as hard as this all is it WILL be worth it someday I just know it. :)

BRING IT ON CLOMID... Please don't kick my butt this cycle I beg of you.

CD3 (A little late)

Better late than never right. Well today I am on CD5 but all the fun stuff in fertility treatments start on CD3 which is the 3rd day of your cycle. Bloodwork, ultrasounds the begining of that precious cycle.

When you are doing any type of medicated cycles with your RE you need to be monitored during that cycle to ensure that nothing is going wrong. I mean we are working with my reproductive organs we need to ENSURE that they are OK.. well in my opinon! In my case with PCOS I can actually develop major cysts during this process from the medication I am on Clomid. They will do two Transvaginal Ultrasound a cycle. They do this for multiple reasons but a few are to check my uterine lining to make sure it is thick enough to support a fertilized egg, to see how my body is reacting to the medication and to check how many eggs are maturing!

On Tuesday of this week I had my normal CD3 ultrasound no bloodwork needed this cycle as I just did that last week with my negative tests. My tech is hillarious, I mean you would have to be to start apointments at 6:45am doing what she does but it is a breath of fresh air. During this whole process you find yourself almost becoming close with all your nurses and techs you see on a regular basis.. the hospital lab know me by name now!

Anyways everything looked great! No cysts and my right ovary was photographing very well with a 10 and a 11 follicle already and it was only CD3. We will see what happens won't we!

ONTO the 5 day clomid hell! :) See you later

My BFF

So.. I have this friend who has always been there for me since I met her way back 14 yrs ago in HS. We have had our ups and downs throughout the years and have really been through a lot. Back in HS we did everything together, and we stayed close to this day! She is the friend I talk to about all this fertility stuff, the person I can call if I am just loosing my mind and she always listens. Never gives necessary advice or tells me the one thing I don't want to hear. She always knows exactly what to say to make me feel a little better.

Today is CD1 (cycle day #1) not the best day in this process because it means I am not pregnant but not the worst either because I can move forward and start a new cycle. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning, with the time change I was up early and just lounging around in my yoga pants and long sleeved old as dirt shirt with no plans on taking myself or my tears out of the house at all. I was going to curl up and have a waah poor me day with me and my emotions. Then she comes out of nowhere and off I am to the mall for a fun shopping date. Its like she knew, knew I needed to get out of the house and leave my stupid emotions at home.

You have been there for me throughout this entire process and I will NEVER forget that. Thank you, thank you for always listening no matter what and never saying "just relax and it will happen". Thank you for never pushing for more information than I was willing to give. Thank you for knowing just when I really needed that dinner, or lunch, or text message. I am so grateful to have a friend like you!

Infertility SUCKS

Sigh, down to the whole reason for this blog. Infertility. In May of 2011 my husband and I decided we wanted to have a family! One of the best days of my life! Adios condoms hello parenthood.... right? Well 20 cycles later here we are still here trying for a baby of our own. Who knew this would be so hard, challenging, heartbreaking??? I spent most of my life trying to NOT get pregnant that when I was ready I thought it would just happen.... Didn't you? Now.. the below is summed up for your reading benefit...

After a year of trying on our own we decided that some medical assistance was needed so I called up my OBGYN's office and went in for an apt. Off to the RE's I went! Our doc is wonderful and even after our very first appointment I felt better, more in control of my destiny. We had a plan, and this women was not giving up till I was knocked up!

The next step was tons of blood work, ultrasounds (that first one was mighty interesting) and an HSG for me and a SA for hubby. I will spare you the horrid details on my HSG experience which was not good at all mind you but I will tell you. I am not sure if it was from the pain or happiness but when that dye shot through and it was clear I was overjoyed.

Diagnosis: PCOS... look it up, I just can't explain it right know maybe later!

So bottom line was I had eggs, hubby had little sperm's they just were not meeting like they should..

Onto treatments, we sat down with the doc and decided to try some medicated cycles. 3 to be exact using a fertility drug called Clomid which helps beef up my egg productivity and a trigger injection called Ovidrel which would force my body to release those eggs. So you could say Clomid = more eggs + Ovidrel = egg release = more chances at babies. In the middle of all of this there will be tons of blood work and ultrasounds to monitor my body.. see how its doing!

Cycle #18, (#1 on Clomid) was a BFFN(big fat frigging negative) before this.. nobody told me how angry I would be on Clomid, or how much I would sweat, or how many times a day I would just start crying for no reason.. oh yea have I mentioned the INJECTION I needed to give myself at home to release those eggs I had been working so hard on. Thank god for my husband I just couldn't do it so he did! Thanks babe, seriously that was not happening without you! I remember all those feelings towards the end of this cycle was I pregnant was I not did it work did it not? It didn't so we were onto..

Cycle #19 (#2 on Clomid) this cycle was pretty much like the first on the drugs. Except I was a bit more emotional and angry. I am working hard to try and control this. It wasn't a feeling I liked and I am sure my husband didn't either. We were a bit more practiced on the Ovirdrel this time and my hubby did such a great job, smooth and to the point! You know what the worst part of these cycles are.. I'll tell you. Its the waiting.. .after all is said and done you need to WAIT for two weeks.. yup two flipping weeks for that little sperm to fertilize that egg and implant into your body before you can even test to see if you are pregnant. Today ended that 2WW as they call it and this cycle was yet again another BFFN.

I guess that phone call from the nurse today saying "I am sorry Alicia, your test came back negative" is really what pushed me to start blogging my feelings. I was heartbroken, upset, couldn't believe that here we were again can I even do this?

With my hubby's amazing support I CAN and I WILL so... onto Cycle #20 I'll see you later, for CD1 oh that's short for cycle day 1. Where it all starts again.

Intro & About ME!

Well here I go. Hi all (WAVES) thank you for stopping by and reading my new blog! Names Alicia, and let me tell you a little about myself! I am 28yrs old, have a wonderful husband whom you will hear lots about. I work full time in the customer service field and have a wonderful family and group of friends!

I decided to start blogging because lets be honest here, sometimes it just feels good to get your thoughts and feelings out when you need to right? Well, thats how it feels to me. Let me let you in on a little thing called my life!