Infertility SUCKS

Sigh, down to the whole reason for this blog. Infertility. In May of 2011 my husband and I decided we wanted to have a family! One of the best days of my life! Adios condoms hello parenthood.... right? Well 20 cycles later here we are still here trying for a baby of our own. Who knew this would be so hard, challenging, heartbreaking??? I spent most of my life trying to NOT get pregnant that when I was ready I thought it would just happen.... Didn't you? Now.. the below is summed up for your reading benefit...

After a year of trying on our own we decided that some medical assistance was needed so I called up my OBGYN's office and went in for an apt. Off to the RE's I went! Our doc is wonderful and even after our very first appointment I felt better, more in control of my destiny. We had a plan, and this women was not giving up till I was knocked up!

The next step was tons of blood work, ultrasounds (that first one was mighty interesting) and an HSG for me and a SA for hubby. I will spare you the horrid details on my HSG experience which was not good at all mind you but I will tell you. I am not sure if it was from the pain or happiness but when that dye shot through and it was clear I was overjoyed.

Diagnosis: PCOS... look it up, I just can't explain it right know maybe later!

So bottom line was I had eggs, hubby had little sperm's they just were not meeting like they should..

Onto treatments, we sat down with the doc and decided to try some medicated cycles. 3 to be exact using a fertility drug called Clomid which helps beef up my egg productivity and a trigger injection called Ovidrel which would force my body to release those eggs. So you could say Clomid = more eggs + Ovidrel = egg release = more chances at babies. In the middle of all of this there will be tons of blood work and ultrasounds to monitor my body.. see how its doing!

Cycle #18, (#1 on Clomid) was a BFFN(big fat frigging negative) before this.. nobody told me how angry I would be on Clomid, or how much I would sweat, or how many times a day I would just start crying for no reason.. oh yea have I mentioned the INJECTION I needed to give myself at home to release those eggs I had been working so hard on. Thank god for my husband I just couldn't do it so he did! Thanks babe, seriously that was not happening without you! I remember all those feelings towards the end of this cycle was I pregnant was I not did it work did it not? It didn't so we were onto..

Cycle #19 (#2 on Clomid) this cycle was pretty much like the first on the drugs. Except I was a bit more emotional and angry. I am working hard to try and control this. It wasn't a feeling I liked and I am sure my husband didn't either. We were a bit more practiced on the Ovirdrel this time and my hubby did such a great job, smooth and to the point! You know what the worst part of these cycles are.. I'll tell you. Its the waiting.. .after all is said and done you need to WAIT for two weeks.. yup two flipping weeks for that little sperm to fertilize that egg and implant into your body before you can even test to see if you are pregnant. Today ended that 2WW as they call it and this cycle was yet again another BFFN.

I guess that phone call from the nurse today saying "I am sorry Alicia, your test came back negative" is really what pushed me to start blogging my feelings. I was heartbroken, upset, couldn't believe that here we were again can I even do this?

With my hubby's amazing support I CAN and I WILL so... onto Cycle #20 I'll see you later, for CD1 oh that's short for cycle day 1. Where it all starts again.