Good morning CD1

Well today marks CD1 on lucky cycle #22. This has GOT to be the start of something grand right! CD1, new year, new medication. Its time to let go of 2012 and bring on 2013.

This cycle I will start with the norm CD3 blood work and ultrasound (update to come) crossing everything I have for no cysts and nothing but good results.

The other day I received my box full of medication for this cycle. I'm not going to lie... it was a bit intimidating..

I got 2 Gonal-F pens and a bunch of needle tips

A MUCH larger sharps container.. guess they are bringing out the big guns now..

AND a few boxes of these lovely Progesterone Suppositories. For after the IUI during the 2WW they are telling me.

Now that CD1 has arrived I am 100% ready to get this show on the road. A bit nervous about the injections, thank goodness for Brandon he has some background with this type of pen and I really think secretly he likes injecting me HA <OK OK maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration. But I do feel much more in control, like what happened last cycle will not happen again. My RE feels confident also that with the Gonal-F she will be able to increase or decrease my medication depending on how my body is responding. I feel so confident that this will be it. With the IUI our chances will be increased and I am hoping and praying my ovaries will give me 2 beautiful eggs for those sperm's to work with!

So lets go ovaries its time to women up and lets get this show on the road!

Can't stop thinking...

about those four mature follicles that I let go this cycle.

I am having a rough time with this whole process and keep thinking that I just threw away 4 chances at becoming a mother. :/ Part of me understands the risks I was faced with 100% I mean in the end I want to be healthy and safe and my husband wants me around for a long long time. But the other part just can't help but be so scared that I just flushed these follies out and will never get them back.

I hope AF comes soon.. then I can put this whole mess behind me. Behind us.. Good news is my RE finally recieved the consult paperwork they needed to get this IUI cycle #22 approved with my insurance once this is done I can get my meds ordered.. Once I have the Gonal-F in hand and know what I am going to be up aganst with injects daily for 7-10 days I might be less freaked out!

On a lighter note, I really do love the christmas season and cannot wait to spend the holiday with my friends and family. My house is decorated and I am working on wrapping now!

12/12/12 The not so very good day..

So I went into my monitoring appointment this morning bright and early! They were having some computer glitches so I had to wait a moment... thank goodness they know me there so I was able to go in within a few moments! So the tech gets the wand in and working and we go to the left side first. WOOZERS I have two mature follicles a 18 and a 19.... over to the left side.. WOOOH another two mature follicles 20 and 21 we were both really excited and I left with a little skip in my step and good thoughts in my head and off to work I went! I even imagined my positive pregnancy test Christmas morning and being able to share that with my hubby. It just flashed before my eyes during my walk to the car.

Around 1pm I got the standard incoming call from my RE's office (the nurse will call me with my formal results and instructions). I grabbed my phone answered as I am running out of my office so I can talk privately except when I answered it was my RE not the nurse... she says "Hi Alicia, its Karla I am calling to talk about your monitoring and bloodwork results" seriously... I felt like my body just shut down I mean apparently its bad news. She has never called me its always the nurse. 

Well it was.. She was calling me personally to cancel my cycle because my estrogen level was 1009 and I had four mature follies from my monitoring appointment. She went on to talk about the larger risk of multiples and taking this chance on 4 and even possibly 8 babies resulting in this cycle would be harmful to both me during pregnancy and any babies that might come of it. Not to mention a much larger risk of gestational diabetes and low birth weight which I was already at risk for..  I was CRUSHED I feel like someone just punched me in the gut and is just laughing from afar.. I mean am I doing something wrong here.. why does god keep punishing me. I just don't understand.

So here I am.. obtaining from all sex while I have FOUR pretty little eggs chilling out in my ovaries just waiting to mate with some spermies. I feel like I am just flushing them down the drain.. Women are born with the amount of eggs they will have their whole life. We do not develop anymore as we grow what I have is what I have and that;s that. It really upsets me to no end. I feel like I am wasting them. I just need to lay down, read a crappy romance novel and cry a little. Hoping and praying tomorrow will be better... 

On a different note. We discussed what was going to happen moving forward and it looks like we will be moving onto Gonal-F daily injections. 7+ nights of injecting myself with hormones to hopefully get myself KTFU. Needles give me wicked anxiety and I am not sure how I am going to do this. Just going to have to put on my big girl panties and get it done right???? 

Gonal-F RFF Pen.. (Injections)

More to come on this when its available. 

Well now we wait.. for AF to come so I can just move on from this crappy NOT Lucky #21 cycle and this day................................ 

I hate you cancer!

I just want to take a moment and say

Seriously.. this past week I have almost felt like my infertility is almost irrevelent and a little bump compaired to somethings other people my age sometimes have to go through.

My sister in law was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She is only 28.. the same age as me. I have never felt so upset, angry, sad, more angry in my life. She is such a wonderful women who has her whole life to live. Recently married, has a wonderful career and an all around great lady! I know in my heart and in my head that she is young and strong and she will beat this shit and come out industructable but the fact that she has to go through this makes me really pissed off. She is a wonderful hairdresser and is just amazingly talented... chemo will make her hair fall out. I just cannot even imagine the road she has just turned down. I just don't understand.. why her? Why not some drug addict who doesnt deserve happiness.. why is it ALWAYS the good people???

So I am going to pray with everything I have that she will get through this process as smoothly as humanly possible. Because she WILL beat this. I know it. She is strong and has an army of love and support behind her.

Love you Tiff.. you girls (Alyssa, Melissa, and you) you gals were one of the most wonderful things I got when I married Brandon. Sisters!!! It is an unbreakable bond and I would do anything for any of you. You will win this I am sure of it!

Lucky #21

Maybe? Maybe I will be able to say well all it took was 21 cycles for me to get KTFU.. Hopefully!

Here we are at CD11 I have already taken 5, 50mg Clomid pills and my mid cycle monitoring is first thing tomorrow morning! Lets hope and pray for some good looking follies.

I will make sure to update after my date with the vagcam tomorrow am! :)

Wish me luck!

5am wake up smack down :/

So yesterday morning I woke up... said to myself OMG POAS just do it.. you know you want to so I busted my trusty cheapie HPT

And my go to dixie cup! (This is not my dixie but seriously how flipping cool is this I have to find these)

I even went as far as to pee in the cup, tear open my test then TMI wiped and saw I started spotting... seriously are you KIDDING ME its like the pee gods KNEW I was peeing so I could dip a stick and wanted me to fail. The pee gods are NOT on my side here.... ugh I didn't even dip I just started crying. Wasn't pretty at all... exp at 5am.

So yesterday and today I have been spotting on and off. Beta is supposed to be tomorrow am called Lisa (my nurse) and asked what I should do.. she says if AF doesn't show full flow then still go (I guess there's a lot of people who spot and are pregnant).. so even though I know in my mind that I am out I still have to wake up wicked early to hit the lab before I go to work tomorrow. Just want to say IF you SUCK seriously why does this happen to me! I should have just left the HPT's alone! Grrrr 

Wish me luck for my BFFN call tomorrow from the nurse. On a lighter note, we did get the OK from my RE to do another Clomid(OH YAY) + Trigger + TI cycle for this one coming up while we wait for me to get my consults done so thank goodness we are not just throwing away a cycle! Just wish we were moving forward to IUI like I had thought. But you have to take what you have and go with it right! We can do this!!! 

I will not POAS.. I will NOT POAS

I WILL NOT POAS

Stupid Insurance Co RANT

OK so before I start this I just want you all to know that we are not totally out this cycle yet. Beta is scheduled for Friday and I am hoping and praying and hoping some more that this is finally it and I will finally get my BFP

The above being said I was really shot down when I got the call from the nurse this am about next cycle and my authorization from my insurance co. Ugh.. so as if this whole process couldn't get more difficult NOW in order for me to move forward next cycle if needed to Clomid + Trigger + IUI  I have to go get a consult for a Material-Fetal Medicine (MFM) and a Nutritional specialist due to my BMI seriously! As if this process is not emotional enough NOW your calling me out as a fat chick. You SUCK Fallon and to top it all off without this they will not pay for my IUI next cycle so I will have to wait for the one following... now for anyone who has been through this you know just how precious each cycle is. This is like a slap ugh!

So I had my stupid pity part today then I got on it like donkey kong.. Was able to schedule the MFM for the 4th next week but the stupid Nutritional office had the 14th of DECEMBER for the first apt.. sigh I have a few calls in to see if I can pull some strings. Hoping I can get this done and over with asap so I don't miss more than 1 cycle  :(

For now... just really hoping and praying my BFFP is coming and I will finally see it on 11/30/12 HOPING!

Words of Wisdom

I saw this posted on facebook last night and I couldn't help but repost there and here. I just feel like after the last 20 cycles of all this infertility testing/treatment/heartache/tears/anger/sadness/etc I have to keep repeating this to myself..

I know I am a strong person, if I wasn't I wouldn't be here today going through all this but some days are much worse than others.

CD13 - Monitoring & Next Steps

Well here we are, the moment of the hour. Yesterday AM I had my monitoring appointment to check out how my meds were working and how many follicles I had growing. They do this with another Transvaginal ultrasound.
My tech is awesome... It is a breath of fresh air when I hear her say GOOD MORNING Alicia at my crack ass of dawn 6:45am apointment! The verdict was a little one 14mm on the left, and a big overcooked one on the right at 28mm. They actually look pretty neat on the screen. Kinda like this (not mine)

I was actually kind of discouraged this month because in normal cases a mature follicle measures 18-24mm and the ones I had were either too small or too large. However my E2 level was good and we still had 1 more day till ovulation for the smaller one to grow a little bit (they grow 1-2mm a day) so off I went on my journey. Next step my trigger injection.. <SCARY ugh I hate needles.. thank god for my husband who has injected me these past 3 cycles. The Ovidrel Injection is a trigger that releases the eggs I am growing in my follies.. looks like this

For someone who is scared crapless of any needles this can be pretty scary.. but you just get the job done. I ice the area, clean it , women up, and then turn away while my husband injects... shuddder thank goodness its over for this month.

Next up... um well guess you can figure that part out!!

 

Betta scheduled for 11/30/2012 - Praying and hoping with all of my might.

Till next time

Clomid... the HAPPY drug.

Just a little info on Clomid and what it does as I am starting my 5 day reg today.

Clomid/Clomiphene (kloe' mi feen)
Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant (infertility). Clomiphene is in a class of medications called ovulatory stimulants. It works similarly to estrogen, a female hormone that causes eggs to develop in the ovaries and be released.

More Follicle development = More eggs = better chance of conceiving

The risk of multiples is higher with Clomid, and while most of that risk is for twins (7-9%), the risks of triplets (1 in 200 pregnancies), quads (1 in 300), and quintuplets (1 in 800) are also increased.

Rarely, people will have more serious side effects but the most common is hot flashes and night sweats. Other common complaints are bloating, mood swings and headaches. Some people find the side effects are easier to tolerate if they take Clomid at night. Some people don’t notice any side effects from the Clomid.

I just want to state for the record that taking this medication at night did nothing for the nasty side affects I have on this medication. This is my third cycle taking this medication and I have to be honest with you here it has NOT made me a better person. In fact it has made me, angry, unhappy, sad, miserable, tired, and that is just the fun part! Sigh.. my poor husband he is so patient with me and my crazy up/down emotions

The things you do for a baby.. as hard as this all is it WILL be worth it someday I just know it. :)

BRING IT ON CLOMID... Please don't kick my butt this cycle I beg of you.

CD3 (A little late)

Better late than never right. Well today I am on CD5 but all the fun stuff in fertility treatments start on CD3 which is the 3rd day of your cycle. Bloodwork, ultrasounds the begining of that precious cycle.

When you are doing any type of medicated cycles with your RE you need to be monitored during that cycle to ensure that nothing is going wrong. I mean we are working with my reproductive organs we need to ENSURE that they are OK.. well in my opinon! In my case with PCOS I can actually develop major cysts during this process from the medication I am on Clomid. They will do two Transvaginal Ultrasound a cycle. They do this for multiple reasons but a few are to check my uterine lining to make sure it is thick enough to support a fertilized egg, to see how my body is reacting to the medication and to check how many eggs are maturing!

On Tuesday of this week I had my normal CD3 ultrasound no bloodwork needed this cycle as I just did that last week with my negative tests. My tech is hillarious, I mean you would have to be to start apointments at 6:45am doing what she does but it is a breath of fresh air. During this whole process you find yourself almost becoming close with all your nurses and techs you see on a regular basis.. the hospital lab know me by name now!

Anyways everything looked great! No cysts and my right ovary was photographing very well with a 10 and a 11 follicle already and it was only CD3. We will see what happens won't we!

ONTO the 5 day clomid hell! :) See you later

My BFF

So.. I have this friend who has always been there for me since I met her way back 14 yrs ago in HS. We have had our ups and downs throughout the years and have really been through a lot. Back in HS we did everything together, and we stayed close to this day! She is the friend I talk to about all this fertility stuff, the person I can call if I am just loosing my mind and she always listens. Never gives necessary advice or tells me the one thing I don't want to hear. She always knows exactly what to say to make me feel a little better.

Today is CD1 (cycle day #1) not the best day in this process because it means I am not pregnant but not the worst either because I can move forward and start a new cycle. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning, with the time change I was up early and just lounging around in my yoga pants and long sleeved old as dirt shirt with no plans on taking myself or my tears out of the house at all. I was going to curl up and have a waah poor me day with me and my emotions. Then she comes out of nowhere and off I am to the mall for a fun shopping date. Its like she knew, knew I needed to get out of the house and leave my stupid emotions at home.

You have been there for me throughout this entire process and I will NEVER forget that. Thank you, thank you for always listening no matter what and never saying "just relax and it will happen". Thank you for never pushing for more information than I was willing to give. Thank you for knowing just when I really needed that dinner, or lunch, or text message. I am so grateful to have a friend like you!

Infertility SUCKS

Sigh, down to the whole reason for this blog. Infertility. In May of 2011 my husband and I decided we wanted to have a family! One of the best days of my life! Adios condoms hello parenthood.... right? Well 20 cycles later here we are still here trying for a baby of our own. Who knew this would be so hard, challenging, heartbreaking??? I spent most of my life trying to NOT get pregnant that when I was ready I thought it would just happen.... Didn't you? Now.. the below is summed up for your reading benefit...

After a year of trying on our own we decided that some medical assistance was needed so I called up my OBGYN's office and went in for an apt. Off to the RE's I went! Our doc is wonderful and even after our very first appointment I felt better, more in control of my destiny. We had a plan, and this women was not giving up till I was knocked up!

The next step was tons of blood work, ultrasounds (that first one was mighty interesting) and an HSG for me and a SA for hubby. I will spare you the horrid details on my HSG experience which was not good at all mind you but I will tell you. I am not sure if it was from the pain or happiness but when that dye shot through and it was clear I was overjoyed.

Diagnosis: PCOS... look it up, I just can't explain it right know maybe later!

So bottom line was I had eggs, hubby had little sperm's they just were not meeting like they should..

Onto treatments, we sat down with the doc and decided to try some medicated cycles. 3 to be exact using a fertility drug called Clomid which helps beef up my egg productivity and a trigger injection called Ovidrel which would force my body to release those eggs. So you could say Clomid = more eggs + Ovidrel = egg release = more chances at babies. In the middle of all of this there will be tons of blood work and ultrasounds to monitor my body.. see how its doing!

Cycle #18, (#1 on Clomid) was a BFFN(big fat frigging negative) before this.. nobody told me how angry I would be on Clomid, or how much I would sweat, or how many times a day I would just start crying for no reason.. oh yea have I mentioned the INJECTION I needed to give myself at home to release those eggs I had been working so hard on. Thank god for my husband I just couldn't do it so he did! Thanks babe, seriously that was not happening without you! I remember all those feelings towards the end of this cycle was I pregnant was I not did it work did it not? It didn't so we were onto..

Cycle #19 (#2 on Clomid) this cycle was pretty much like the first on the drugs. Except I was a bit more emotional and angry. I am working hard to try and control this. It wasn't a feeling I liked and I am sure my husband didn't either. We were a bit more practiced on the Ovirdrel this time and my hubby did such a great job, smooth and to the point! You know what the worst part of these cycles are.. I'll tell you. Its the waiting.. .after all is said and done you need to WAIT for two weeks.. yup two flipping weeks for that little sperm to fertilize that egg and implant into your body before you can even test to see if you are pregnant. Today ended that 2WW as they call it and this cycle was yet again another BFFN.

I guess that phone call from the nurse today saying "I am sorry Alicia, your test came back negative" is really what pushed me to start blogging my feelings. I was heartbroken, upset, couldn't believe that here we were again can I even do this?

With my hubby's amazing support I CAN and I WILL so... onto Cycle #20 I'll see you later, for CD1 oh that's short for cycle day 1. Where it all starts again.

Intro & About ME!

Well here I go. Hi all (WAVES) thank you for stopping by and reading my new blog! Names Alicia, and let me tell you a little about myself! I am 28yrs old, have a wonderful husband whom you will hear lots about. I work full time in the customer service field and have a wonderful family and group of friends!

I decided to start blogging because lets be honest here, sometimes it just feels good to get your thoughts and feelings out when you need to right? Well, thats how it feels to me. Let me let you in on a little thing called my life!